Jeez, haven’t done these in a while.
Went to Stratford to revise maths with P. Well, he was meant to tutor me. Cutting it short, I know, seeing as the exam is tomorrow but heyho.
We could have gone to college, but he didn’t want to go there, so we decided to go to Stratford Library.
We managed to work on maths from 10:30 to 11:30, then we got bored and went to eat. Asking random questions along the way. Sitting at Starbucks. He fed me fruit cos I was claiming the pieces were too big.
Went back to the library, worked for half an hour, then we were falling asleep. So we decided to go to a park. More random questions along the way.
At the park, both of us just lying there, asking questions about family, India, when we were younger, people watching. Messing around, smiling. Me using him as a pillow, again. Me trying to get my phone back, but he caught hold of my hand. And then when he let go, I didn’t move away. Kept using excuses to touch each other. He was playing with my hair.
And then, idk. We just kept staring at each other. I kept asking him what he was thinking, but he’d just raise his eyebrows, but still keep quiet. I can’t blame him, cos when he asked, I…couldn’t answer. What was I meant to say? That I was thinking that I wanted to kiss him? That I was wondering where things went wrong?
And then he’s like ‘Can I ask you a question?’. More silence then ‘Are we friends?’
And then ‘Idk why it’s so hard for me to say it. You know what i’m going to say. The truth is, I still like you. I don’t know why we broke up. I spend every day just thinking about you, and I can’t stop. I don’t know why…I cared about what other people thought. I was stupid, I’m sorry. That’s why i’ve been talking to you so much. Some days it feels like you like me back, but then others…i don’t know. Do you?’
‘…Oh’
‘What’s your reply? Probably no…’
‘My reply is…I still like you too.’
And then, yay yay yay, we stop being ‘just friends’. I was so happy. Holding his hand, properly holding it? Looking at him and seeing him smiling back at me? It was bliss.
Maybe now you’ll leave my head. Maybe now i can properly move on.
We lasted 3 hours alone together before that changed.
That day, when P bbm’d him, and he covered for me? He has no idea how much he helped.
Because now? Me and P are back on track with a good friendship. A really nice friendship.
It was so hard to not kiss him yesterday. We’d both been drinking, it would have been so easy. I wanted to. But I don’t want to go there just yet, I need him to trust me fully again. So, just friends. And I can’t let anything happen because of me.
Yep. Just friends.
Even when we’re both high on friday. Even when i’m using him as a pillow. Definitely when i’m using him as a pillow. Even when i’m hugging him and his hands are on my ass, and he’s smirking at me because he put them there on purpose. Just friends, friends, friends. Friends friends friends. Gotta keep that barrier up in my mind. Friends friends friends. Play fighting, and fighting dirty. Friends friends friends.
Sorted :)
Not even sure what to write about. Since Sunday I’ve had maybe 11 hours of sleep? So tired I feel like throwing up. Great.
Speaking of throwing up, my throat is sore. Bleeding. Yet i still refuse to cut my nails.
I don’t feel like writing anymore. Should revise. Must revise. Gonna go read fanfic instead.
So mark just called me. Fuck I can’t even type. Tells me that P is probably going to text me/whatsapp me any second now. Says he’s been asking shifty questions.
P: You tryna move Ingrid?
Mark: lol, no. Is that what you think?
P: It’s what I see. So you just wanna fuck her then yeah?
Mark: What? No. What’re you talking about? Anyway, Ingrid isn’t like that.
What thefuck, why am I shaking so much? Panicking. Feeling something. Gratitute to Mark. He’s kept his promise, he’s not screwed me over. Scared of P. Scared of what he thinks. Scared he knows…..fuck! I told Saad! I told Saad Mark was after me…fuck.
And he and P are best friends. He must have told him, even though I told him not to! Shit. Shit shit shit! I told Saad, why was I so stupid? I really hope P leaves it. I really really hope so.
The condom split, I cant get to a doctors, I just can’t do this.
Shit, shit, Shit! I need to go on the pill. And soon.
Today was rough and rushed. Both of us just pissed off. And then his dad comes home early? Fuck that shit.
